The One Who Made Me a Mom
I became a mom for the first time in 2011, but never had the chance to mother. My son’s stillbirth stole many firsts from me as a mom and every first from him, as my son.
I mothered for the first time when my second son was born. He was the first one to call me “mom”.
He was the one who grew with me. We shared moments of triumph, trials and tender memories. He was the one who was by my side through all of my firsts, and of course, I for all of his – his first smile, his first steps, his first day of school. He was one who taught me, tested me and tired me! He and I were a team.
He was the one who transformed my identity and reshaped my world. The one who gave me my first overwhelming moments of joy, fear, love and sense of real responsibility. He made me a woman that I never knew I could be.
He was the one from whom I learned a new lesson every day and saw a new version of myself that I didn’t know existed. The sleepless nights, the endless diapers, and the incessant worry were all part of my initiation into this new role.
He was the one who taught me patience and resilience. He showed me that I could love fiercely and unconditionally. Together, we stumbled, we fell, but we always got back up – hand in hand, walking the path of new mother and child who were just trying to figure it all out, together.
It wasn’t always easy. In fact, mixed in with all the highs were several lows, self-doubt and worry. I questioned a lot of what I was doing and how I was doing it. I can’t confidently say that I truly enjoyed all of the first moments with him. But, I did my best.
The One Who Showed Me the Light
And then she came along.
My daughter was the one who showed me grace and light. Perhaps coincidentally, her name, translated in English, means light and clarity. She was the one who taught me how to really ease into being a mom. Mothering her was a soothing contrast to my first go at motherhood.
She was the one who taught me to breathe, relax, and embrace the flow of it all. With her, I was no longer the anxious, over-protective mother I had been. By now, I had learned the ropes and her presence was a reminder to trust the process.
She was the one who slept through the night from day one. Who didn’t cry. Who graciously entered into our world and went with the flow of things – anything and anywhere – she was game to show up, stay calm and smile through it all. She was the one with a passionate heart and fearless spirit.
Her easy going nature allowed me to let go of the need for perfection. I learned to savour the quiet moments and embrace any chaos.
Now, with two in tow, she was the one who showed me the beauty of spontaneity and the fun of unscripted days. I could tell that she truly enjoyed all the little things and so I learned how to do that, too. It became perfectly fine to just be. She was the one who reminded me that motherhood was not just about doing, but also about being.
Being there, being present, being enough.
Three Paths, One Journey
They were the ones who each brought with them a unique lesson, a different perspective, and a distinctive rhythm to life.
My son was the one who was my trial by fire. The one who pushed my limits and showed me how far I could go.
My daughter was the one who slowed me down to enjoy the ride.
I was the one who grew, learned, transformed and became a new version of me, through them.
This is the one story that is uniquely ours. Their story, and mine.
Reflections and Gratitude
Every new mother learns as she goes. There is no way of knowing if we’re doing it right. But then again, what’s “right”, anyways? We do what we can and how we can, to the best of our abilities. The bond of a mom and her child is unlike any other – but the way the bond is built is always uniquely and beautifully their own.
My kids have each taught me differently and grown with me differently. We have given each other gifts that only each one of us could have given. I’m grateful for their uniqueness and the ways in which we’ve learned to navigate this little life of ours.
Cuddle,
Suzanne
