Grief is complex, unpredictable and deeply personal. Unless you’re in the shoes of a grieving person, you’ll never fully understand the depth and breadth of their grief. When someone close to us is grieving, especially after the loss of a child, it can feel impossible to know how to support them. And of course, there’s self-doubt and uncertainty of whether, as a good friend, you’re doing and saying the right things to help the person experiencing the loss.
Losing a child is not just the loss of a life; it’s the loss of an entire future. It’s losing the dreams of birthday celebrations, seeing them off on their first day of school, holidays filled with laughter, and the everyday moments that parents cherish. It’s mourning the life that should have been, alongside the crushing reality of what has been lost.
When I first came home from the hospital, childless, the first thing I angrily instructed my family to do was get rid of all the baby stuff. Everything. The new crib, the rocking chair, the stroller, the diaper bag – I just couldn’t see any of it. The indescribable pain of emptiness, with a room full of baby stuff, was too much to bear. In the days and weeks the followed, I navigated, to the best of my ability, this new life that I could never have imagined. My friends and family, to the best of their ability navigated trying to support me. Some of them failed miserably, others tried and somewhat succeeded. All of them had good intentions. Grief isn’t linear and each of us will experience it in different ways. Over time, I’ve come to realize that while no one can truly take away the pain of such a loss, there are meaningful ways to support a grieving mother.
Here are a few ways you can make a real difference:
1. Give Time and Space
It’s nice that you may want to see your friend or family member in their time of grief but not everyone will want to, or be ready to. The mental and emotional load one carries after losing a child is sometimes too heavy to allow room for conversations or visitors. Send messages of love but don’t expect an immediate response. Know that your messages of love and good intention are being received. The grieving mother will appreciate knowing you’re thinking of her, even if she can’t respond right away. When she’s ready, she’ll reach out.
2. Think Before You Speak
What might seem like a well-intentioned comment, can really come off as insensitive. Saying things like “it happened for a reason”, “you can always try again”, or “you just have to buck up and move on” are really not helpful. Your grieving friend or family member doesn’t want or need your unsolicited opinions or advice. These statements may be intended to offer comfort, but they can feel dismissive of the immense grief the mother is experiencing. Instead, offer to listen. Often, your presence is what matters most. Provide a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. If you’re unsure of what to say, sitting in silence can provide more comfort than trying to fill the space with words.
3. Provide Food and Household Help
Grief can be physically exhausting and the absolute last thing that a grieving mom (and her partner) wants to do is cook and clean. Offering practical support like dropping off a meal or sending a gift card for a food delivery service can help lighten the load. Simple acts like helping with laundry, vacuuming or washing dishes can also provide much-needed relief.
4. Offer to Babysit their Other Children
If the grieving mother has other children, offering to babysit can be an incredible act of kindness. It provides her with time to process her grief without the added pressure of caring for others. Even a few hours of quiet time can make a big difference. It’s important to remember that the mother still deeply loves her other children, and they too may be grieving in their own way. But allowing her time for self-care and reflection will ultimately make her more present for them.
5. Provide a Cuddle for Keeps Bereavement Bear
Of course I’m biased, but Cuddle for Keeps Bereavement Bears are a wonderful way to honour the lost child and provide the grieving mom with something tangible to hold onto. I wish I had something like this when I lost my son and it’s a big reason why I started crafting these keepsakes. Each bear is carefully weighted, giving a sense of physical presence that helps ease feelings of grief and loneliness. They are made from soft, comforting materials and personalized with hand-embroidered details, serving as a physical and emotional support during such a difficult time. These bears are meant to symbolize love, resilience and hope.
Finding Comfort in Small Acts of Kindness
Supporting someone through the grief of losing a child is never easy. There is no perfect way to be there for someone going through such an immense loss, but offering love, patience and practical help can make a world of difference. Often, the most meaningful support comes from simply showing up and being present, whether that’s by listening, offering practical assistance or providing a special keepsake like a bereavement bear. While the grieving process is different for everyone, your kindness and care will be remembered and appreciated, even if words cannot express it at the time. Grief never fully goes away, but with love and support, those who grieve can find ways to live alongside it.
