Holidays, especially Christmas and New Year’s, are often described as “the most wonderful time of the year.” Homes glow with lights, people gather around dining tables, and social media has no shortage of families in festive pyjamas. But for those who have experienced the loss of a baby, this time of year can feel unbearably heavy.
Grief does not pause for December. In fact, the contrast between what the holidays are supposed to be and what your heart is truly carrying can amplify the pain. You might feel waves of sadness when you least expect them, guilt for not feeling festive, anger at the world for moving forward, or rage that you have to carry all of these painful emotions simultaneously. All of these feelings are valid. Grief is not linear, and the holidays often touch the most tender parts of it.
I endured my first Christmas as a loss parent five months after I lost my son to stillbirth in July of 2011. I still hurt for that girl (read: me) who felt hopeless, sad, empty and pained. I felt as though I had nothing to celebrate. It was awkward to be around family because no one knew what to say but the elephant was in the room. I gifted my grandmother a photo of her first, dead, great-grandson that Christmas. It was all I could do to make it feel like he was not forgotten and to believe that he was present with us. I hated that first Christmas as a loss mom. I also hated New Year’s Eve. I passed midnight at home, on the couch, and gave myself space to just be. When I think of it now, fourteen years later, I can still feel the ache.
If you’re entering this season with an empty space in your heart and in your family, you are not alone.
Why the holidays can intensify grief
1. Traditions bring up feelings of “what should have been”
The holidays are built around rituals - hanging stockings, taking family photos, and buying presents. When you’ve lost a baby, these traditions often highlight the hopes you carried. You may find yourself imagining how old your baby would have been, what you would have bought them, or how different your home might feel.
2. Social gatherings can feel overwhelming
Invitations may come from well-meaning friends and relatives who don’t understand how hard celebrating can be. Seeing children or new parents at gatherings may trigger pain you didn’t anticipate. The stress of navigating questions like “When are you going to start a family?” can feel like too much.
3. Expectations to be cheerful add pressure
Holiday culture encourages joy, gratitude, and togetherness. But after baby loss, you might not feel any of those things - and you don’t have to. Lean in to how you feel and allow yourself the time and space to be present in your own emotions.
4. Quiet moments feel louder
Even if you skip the festivities and keep things simple, the quiet stillness of winter often creates space to reflect. Sometimes, those still moments bring the grief to the surface more intensely than busy days do.
Tips to make the holidays more bearable
There’s no one right way to move through this season, but the following ideas may help you navigate it with greater gentleness and self-compassion.
1. Give yourself permission to do less
You don’t have to make every party, bake every recipe, or meet anyone else’s expectations. Grief requires energy, and you’re allowed to conserve yours. Consider saying:
“Thank you for thinking of me, but this year I need something quieter.”
“I’m not sure yet—can I let you know closer to the day?”
You have full permission to scale back, cancel, or change your mind. Your well-being matters more than a tradition.
2. Create a special ritual to honour your baby
Many parents find comfort in creating a holiday ritual dedicated to their baby. It can be private or shared with others. You may consider:
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Hanging an ornament in their memory
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Lighting a candle on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Day
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Placing a small stocking for your baby
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Writing them a letter and keeping it in a memory box
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Donating a toy or book to a children’s charity in their name
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These acts can help you feel connected while acknowledging the significance of your child’s life, no matter how brief.
3. Limit social media
The holidays are peak season for social media baby announcements, matching family outfits, and pregnancy reveals. Even if you're happy for others, this content can still be painful. You can:
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Take a temporary break
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Mute certain accounts or keywords
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Delete apps for a few days
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Give yourself permission not to engage or respond
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Protecting your emotional space is an act of self-kindness, not avoidance.
4. Prepare a few “scripts” for difficult conversations
Sometimes, the hardest part of the holidays is interacting with people who don’t know about your loss or who don’t know how to support you. Here are some gentle responses you can use:
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If someone asks about having kids: “It’s a sensitive topic for me right now.”
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If you feel emotional: “I need a moment. I’ll be right back.”
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If someone tries to cheer you up too quickly: “I appreciate your kindness. I’m grieving, and it’s okay for me to feel sad.”
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You don’t owe anyone explanations. Scripts simply give you a safety net in uncomfortable moments.
5. Choose the company that feels safest
Surround yourself with people who make you feel supported, not those who minimize or dismiss your grief. This might mean:
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Spending time with a smaller circle
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Creating your own holiday meal at home
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Celebrating with friends who understand baby loss
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Making space for quiet over crowds
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6. Let yourself feel what you feel
You don’t have to be cheerful because it’s the holidays. You don’t have to be “over it” because it’s been a certain amount of time.
Maybe you’ll cry while wrapping gifts. Maybe you’ll laugh with friends and then feel guilty. Maybe some days you’ll feel stronger than others. Grief is unpredictable, especially during the holidays. Allowing your emotions to move through you can be more healing than resisting them.
7. Ask for support (and be specific)
People often want to help but don’t know how. If you feel safe asking, be specific:
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“Can you check in on me this week?”
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“Can you sit with me while I decorate?”
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“Could you help me change the subject if conversations get too hard?”
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“I’d love company for a walk.”
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Letting others in can create moments of comfort, connection and understanding.
8. Make space for new traditions - or skip traditions altogether
You may not be ready for the traditions you enjoyed in the past. That’s okay. You can put them on pause and return when you feel ready enough.
Some people find solace in new traditions such as:
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A quiet weekend getaway
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A nature walk on Christmas morning
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Starting the New Year with a small ceremony or candle lighting
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Cooking one simple meal instead of hosting
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Your holiday can be as simple or unconventional as you need it to be.
9. Seek professional or community support
If the holidays feel overwhelming, talking with a therapist, grief counselor, or support group can provide comfort.
There are also baby loss communities - local and online - where parents share stories, coping tools, and compassion. Connecting with others who “get it” can be comforting during a season that often feels isolating.
As You Enter the Holiday Season
If this year is your first holiday since losing a baby, it may feel like you’re stepping into unfamiliar emotional territory. If it’s your second, fifth, or tenth year, grief may still rise unexpectedly. Time does not erase the love you have for your child, and the holidays often remind you of that love in powerful ways.
You are allowed to honour your baby. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to celebrate - if and when it feels right. You are allowed to opt out entirely.
There is no correct way to navigate this season.
Be gentle with yourself. Tend to your heart. Hold space for your baby’s memory. And know that you deserve compassion, both from others and from yourself, during this tender time of year.
Cuddle,
Suzanne
